Despite living in the most technologically advanced era ever, and having access to more information and places than ever before, it’s still pretty much expected that Sundays will be spent bored shitless. Or worse, in a pub, where the people either side of you are talking to someone else and you sit and idly check Twitter on your phone, wishing you could be anywhere else in the world.

On those occasions, the only thing to really do is fiddle with yourself (and let’s not pretend that it’s an amusing euphemism for masturbation; get that out of your systems now.) Unfortunately, most fiddles hurt a little bit, but not really enough to put you off completely.

Here’s our top 5 ways of fiddling with yourself. And not wanking.

1) Pulling out a nose hair

The Queen, yesterday

Nose hairs are weird. They’re like an inch long and as thick as a spider’s cock. They’re attached to the inside of your nose cavern with some sort of mental superglue, and when you pull them out, they’re attached to every sensor in your head. Eyes water, sneezing commences, everything that could possibly draw attention to you and make you look like a cockhole.

But what are you going to do? Leave them there, hanging out of your nose-end, giving you the appearance of an old man? Yeah, right. A hair like that turning up is an invitation to pinch it and pull it out, no matter what the side effects.

2) Cutting off circulation to a finger

Bits of string turn up on occasion, usually retrieved from a sleeve that’s come apart, and you know you’re not supposed to pull on it because it’ll end up ripping the shirt, but then you pull it and OH GOD THERE’S SO MUCH STRING.

Once you have the string, you’ll probably end up fiddling with it for a bit, straightening it out, maybe tying a bunch of knots. The best bit is tightening it around your finger, wrapping it round and round until the end goes purple and you panic as you unwrap, just in case it falls off. Elastic bands can also be used, as they provide the extra thrill of being incredibly difficult to remove.

3) Holding your finger over a flame

Great fun. Everyone knows that if you move your hand through a flame quick enough, you won’t burn yourself. The fun is to do it slower and slower until you get a layer of fingersoot. Or dipping your finger into the wax and picking the ensuing crust off. Candles are all round brilliant for fiddling with, until the inevitable happens and you get hurt, or more likely, put the thing out and have to quietly clear the pub table of excess wax.

4) Biting / cutting nails too short

A genuine spot

For some reason, as a child, I was told not to bite my nails. Even got bought that clear nail polish stuff that makes your nails taste minging, so you don’t bite them. Turns out that if you just don’t use it, you can still bite your fingernails and everything is fine.

The real enjoyment comes from trying to skim off every single bit of nail that can possibly be removed. Not through nervousness, but through a crippling need to be doing something, fidgeting in some way, 24 hours a day.

5) Picking spots (and your nose)

Amazing little sacs of pus that sit under your skin, somehow growing overnight to a wonderful head that you can squeeze. Massive amounts of fun can be had by picking, squeezing and squidging the things until little balls of yellowy white pus comes storming out – sometimes hitting the mirror with enough force to kill a small child.

Nose picking is, let’s face it, the king of body fiddles. What are bogeys? What do they want? Who drops them in your nose? Pulling them out and playing with them – and I bet some of you absent mindedly chew on them as well – is a joy like no other. They’re like your own little nose children that you don’t have to bother caring about, and throw on the floor afterwards.

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