Magazines seem to exist purely to tell you exactly how to live your life. To run you down and tell you how you’re failing, and then show how celebrities are either perfect, or completely shit. Or both, at exactly the same time.
They’re never short of advice to give out, a top ten ways you can look better, smell better, be more like Cheryl Tweedy, fuck women like Cheryl Tweedy, and so on. The king of advice magazines can be found online, and it’s the hilariously misogynistic AskMen.com. Actually, misogynistic is the wrong word. They don’t hate women. They think women are stupid. And they think that men are even stupider, in that they’ll go along with their mental advice.
In the world of AskMen, all women are sluts that are up for anything. They just don’t know it yet. And it’s your duty as a massive douchebag to persuade, cajole and annoy her into doing whatever you want. Their advice section reads like a date rapist’s charter – god, this sounds like a Daily Mail article – and will help you in convincing your stupid, weak-minded girlfriend into doing anything at all. And if you don’t have a girlfriend? Don’t worry, you’ll be able to trick some poor lass into getting with you in no time. Because it’s that easy.
Most interesting
Here’s just one delightful example: Get Her To Have Dirty Sex.
Worried that your girlfriend might not be up for dirty sex? That’s alright:
Still, even the innocent can be corrupted
Okay, so you’re dating a girl who baulks at the thought of sex with the lights on, and you’re not satisfied unless it’s double anal. What to do?
Get each other in the mood by watching porn stars get it on or by reading some stimulating erotic fiction. Even if she’s not normally into watching porn, when you’re trying to get dirty with each other, she may be open to incorporating a video or two
Watch porn. Of course. “Hey, shy girlfriend, here’s a video of Sasha Grey sucking a cock that’s just been firmly implanted in her dirtbox. Does that get you going? No? Oh. Mind if I watch it while we do it from behind so I can look at her? Wait, where are you going?”
Or play a sex game:
If all else fails, you can always fall back on the old standard of Truth or Dare
Because that worked so well in Clerks
Dante Hicks: How many?
Veronica Loughran: Dante…
Dante Hicks: How many dicks have you sucked?
Veronica Loughran: Let it go!
Dante Hicks: How many?
Veronica Loughran: All right, shut up a second and I’ll tell you! Jesus! I didn’t freak out like this when you told me how many girls you fucked!
Dante Hicks: This is different, this is important. How many?
[long pause as customer buys something]
Dante Hicks: Well?
Veronica Loughran: Something like… 36.
…in a row?
Back to the porn, for a second. There is, of course, an article on getting her to watch porn. One of the sub-headings is, erotically, “Work out a Strategy”.
What should you avoid?
Don’t compare her unfavorably to the female leads
“Wow, her tummy’s flat. You should totally try and go for that.” Or “Well. SHE takes it up the arse with a smile.” HOW STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE FOR THIS TO BE A USEFUL PIECE OF ADVICE?
How about touching her in her downstairs bit? Any sentence that opens like this shows sex for what it is: Clinical, played-by-numbers and shit.
When she’s adequately self-lubricated, or you’ve put some water-based lube on your fingers…
Or
Manipulating the vagina to orgasm is not as difficult as you may think.
Lovely.
How do you know if you’ve got a sex addiction?
You may be engaging in many activities that are illegal in most places, such as sex with prostitutes, sex with minors or exhibitionism.
Yeah, just check out that throw-away item in the middle of the list. Hookers, wanking in a field, or NONCING UP KIDS!
You could always let her have a go at coming – after all, you’re the expert:
You already know how to bring her to orgasm in two ways (probably). You repeat these regularly because they work — there’s no harm in that. However, if you never, ever try any new positions again, how will you ever know?
(probably.)
You want to put it where?
Fuck it, that’s never going to work. Time to take things into your own hands. LOL.
Lubricate your penis. Using both hands, one at the bottom and one at the top of the penis, gently wring in opposite directions. Use the motion from bottom to top as if you were wringing out a cloth — squeeze the semen out, not in.
Okay, how about doing it together?
Mutual masturbation is a really sexy experience few women have had the opportunity to enjoy. Every female gets wet at the sound of her man groaning with delight
Yeah, a grunting, gurning overweight bloke noisily knocking one out is what gets EVERY woman going. Lucky you, women.
Once you’re done fiddling with yourself, you can’t just stop and fall asleep. Oh no:
> You’ve already had your orgasm and you’re perfectly relaxed, but don’t fall asleep just yet — there’s still work to be done. She’s still waiting on you to return the favor. So as good as you may feel and as much as you may want to, now’s not the time to be selfish. So how can you please her without spending a dog’s age doing it? It’s simple.
What a fuckin’ chore, eh?
How about their top 5 things for you to say her in bed? Sincerity is key.
- Our bodies fit perfectly together
- You’ve got such a hot/sexy [body part she’s most proud of]
- I can’t keep my hands off you
- I love your body
- You’re so good at [whatever she’s doing]
My girlfriend is amazing at [whatever she’s doing].
Who could be better at offering advice on sex than videogame designers? How to get laid while playing PS3 18 hours a day.
Treat her like a person with dignity? This does not compute.
How about an entire article on “Positive Verbal Reinforcement“? She’s a person (presumably), not a fucking dog that you’re encouraging to walk on its hind legs.
There’s a couple of hundred of these guides, each more depressing than the last. Enjoy making your life slightly better by treating your partner like an easily-manipulated idiot. Feel like Derren Brown as you cajole her into having anal sex and dressing like your mother. Well done you.
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