"Are you my daddy?" were the words a friend sleepily heard as he dozed at a one night stand’s house. He wasn’t, and he never saw the girl - or her curious and confused son - again. The term MILF first came into popular usage through late 90s teen-comedy American Pie, and as you all know, stands for Mom I’d Like to Fuck. MILTF doesn’t roll off the tongue as easily. In the film, one of the teenage characters has a hot mother, which causes two guys to fall into a trance and chant “MILF” over and over. It was the spark for a couple of songs where young guys pretended to want to screw old women: ...

I saw this job advertised. The first draft also said something about delivering massages, but I hadn't taken a screenshot. I took this screenshot in case they change it again. The typo in quickly amused me. I'm easily amused. I applied for the job: I can write quicky, but it causes probems with acuracy. Is tht ok? I wasn't expecting a reply. I got a reply: No poblem! If I were a copywriter in Sunderland, I'd definitely want to work at Sun FM. I'm not, so I don't. Well done to their hiring manager for having a sense of humour. It's more than I've got.

Despite living in the most technologically advanced era ever, and having access to more information and places than ever before, it’s still pretty much expected that Sundays will be spent bored shitless. Or worse, in a pub, where the people either side of you are talking to someone else and you sit and idly check Twitter on your phone, wishing you could be anywhere else in the world. On those occasions, the only thing to really do is fiddle with yourself (and let’s not pretend that it’s an amusing euphemism for masturbation; get that out of your systems now.) Unfortunately, most fiddles hurt a little bit, but not really enough to put you off completely. Here’s our top 5 ...

I drive through town on the way to work, and there's a lollipop lady that hovers by the pedestrian traffic lights. She wanders out into the middle of the road as though nobody knows what a red fucking light is for, and watches the kids and mums cross. Then she goes back and presses the stop-traffic button immediately. Over and bloody over. STOP PRESSING IT. YOUR PRESENCE IS NOT WORTH IT. People on both sides, pedestrians and motorists can operate a set of traffic lights without you watching intently and making sure that no wee kiddies are run over. Also, stop pressing the button. You're holding me and everyone else up, causing bottlenecks further down the road and ballsing traffic up ...

Magazines seem to exist purely to tell you exactly how to live your life. To run you down and tell you how you’re failing, and then show how celebrities are either perfect, or completely shit. Or both, at exactly the same time. They’re never short of advice to give out, a top ten ways you can look better, smell better, be more like Cheryl Tweedy, fuck women like Cheryl Tweedy, and so on. The king of advice magazines can be found online, and it’s the hilariously misogynistic AskMen.com. Actually, misogynistic is the wrong word. They don’t hate women. They think women are stupid. And they think that men are even stupider, in that they’ll ...

Jeremy Kyle is the latest shit-stirring host to have his own talk show in the UK, following in the brave tradition of Trisha (from Trisha) and Vanessa Feltz (from Trisha). There is, of course, an exciting history of talk-shows, going all the way back to the first one, and continuing from there. The talk-show originated in America, with every bugger and his wife presenting one. Some are big enough to be known by their first name alone: Oprah, Maury and Ricky Lake to name just three. The biggest name of them all is Gerald Norman Springer, better known as Norm Springer. Jerry, to give him a nickname, has hosted the Jerry Springer Show for 16 years and over 3,500 ...

I have a mortal enemy. I’ve never spoken to him, and he’s never even acknowledged that he’s part of my life. At best, he’s noticed me bowling past in my car a couple of times. He’s never actually done anything to me, he just exists. But that’s enough. God, that’s more than enough. He is Bike Man, and he is a twat. Bike Man isn’t his real name. It isn’t even his full nickname. His full nickname is Recumbent Bike Man. This is because he has bought one of these bikes: Which is apparently called a Recumbent Bike. A shit name for a shit idea. A reclining bike. He’s decided that bikes, with their ...

Imagine, for a moment, that you’re not a bitter, twisted Internet type, and that you’ll be socialising with other people. Horrible thought, but stick with me. A bunch of people in your house, sitting on your sofas and drinking your booze out of your glasses. If you need a shower, we’ll wait here for you. Your party can’t just be a collection of people sitting around looking awkwardly at each other, as inevitable as that is. As a generous, put-upon host, you’ll have to put on some entertainment. Maybe there’s a World Cup final, or an hour-long special of Coronation Street that you can watch. Suggest poker, and then drunkenly suggest strip poker, and laugh ...