Previously on Junior Apprentice: Camping! Campness! Cardboard! Reinforced Cardboard! This week, our intrepid teams of the weird, bullied and damned are sent to Oxford Street, to ice and sell cupcakes. VALUE ADDED cupcakes, as Lord Alan keeps mentioning. Rhys is hounded into being project manager for his team, because he once worked in a kitchen. He also ends up not working in the kitchen. On the other team, Lipstick and Emma Walker (16, sells eggs and sweets) get into a pissing match over who bakes the most cakes. “I like baking.” “Well, I love baking.” “I REALLY love baking.” Eventually Emma Walker (16, sells eggs and sweets) gives up, because she’s used her quota of words for the series. Lipstick takes centre stage ...

Summer sports traditionally include running, jumping, kicking a football and drinking until 4am then having an unsatisfactory time with a stranger. Not for us, though. While the rest of the world is running around celebrating the World Cup, we'll be dragging our pasty arses out onto the streets to play some alternative summer games. Things like... Flag Twat! A game that can be played throughout any period of England playing football, St. George's Day, the Queen's birthday and in most areas full of wacky racists. For some reason, the berks adorn their cars with England flags. Big flapping flags of fanny-faced fuckheadery. To play, simply use your eyes to look at other cars, and shout "flag twat" when ...

The World cup is just three weeks away, which means that every tin-pot popstar and their mum have released a song to support England. Knuckle-headed racists and buffoons are piling up in their flag-caked chav-mobiles to literally pour records through their sunroofs. Sunrooves? Here's five hateful shit attempts from yesteryear. And here's one that's absolutely not shit: (Also, here's Adam and Joe's wonderful Football Song, which Channel 4 won't let you embed, the pricks)

Nine junior horrors, one job (not actually a job, because even Lord Alan’s not mental enough to hire a foetus to work on whatever Amstrad do these days) and just a couple of weeks to pick one out to be… the Junior Apprentice. Previously on Junior Apprentice: Cheese. Sales. Puns. Tears. Jordan De Courcy. Zoe, played by Robyn caked in lipstick, answers the phone while the camera hovers for an uncomfortably long time staring at her arse. It follows her upstairs as she wakes the boys up, who are already dressed in suits. They’ve probably been in them all night, waiting for the Lord Sugar batsymbol to appear in the sky, calling for them. It’d be in the shape of a barrow. But ...

For 8 hours a day (or less, if you're an insomniac or obsessively check social networking sites until three am), you are unconscious in bed. As countless drunk students, and Welsh idiots from Jackass knock-offs will testify, when asleep, people can get away with doing quite a lot to you. Hilarious things like writing on your head, or trying that prank with the hand in the bucket of warm water. But what if these people weren't real, and only existed in your dreams? And instead of trying to make you piss yourself, they were trying to extract your insides? And there was only one of them, called Freddy Krueger, and he came after you every ...

Shut up. This is the video he's referring to, in case you've always wanted to see a blurry three minute video of Miley Cyrus pole-dancing dancing with a pole.

Remember when you were 16? It was just like Skins, right? An orgy of drugs, violence and sex. Or, like 95% of people on the Internet, it was furtive, frantic masturbation the moment you were alone and trying to get served in pubs. You probably didn’t spend those precious years running an international importing and distribution business. If you thought the dicks on The Apprentice were hateful turds, The Junior Apprentice is sure to boil your piss in new ways. It’s one thing when the back-stabbing business-botherers are ten years older than you, but when they look like they’ve rolled on set straight from an episode of Grange Hill, it’s somewhat dispiriting. Yes, it’s The Junior Apprentice, in which six teenagers prove ...

Found on the Football 365 forum, this absolutely wonderful Larry David moment: Friend of a friend was staying with friends in a chalet in a French ski resort, really nice place, white carpets etc. He comes down off the mountain really needing a shit. He thinks, "I'll just go straight back and do my business there" so he goes back to the place as fast as possible. He gets in, realises he needs to go badly, and so runs into the nearest loo, which happens to be the parents (owners') bathroom. He does a massive shit and feeling satisfied with himself, stands up and presses the flush button. nothing happens. he panics, tries everything, lifting off the lid, nothing works, no water ...