Of course, you’ve already heard of Potato Men, those fellas that bowl around delivering sacks of potatoes from the back of a van. For years, this noble profession has been woefully underrepresented on the big screen, and finally things have been rectified. A film that shows these hard workers as they truly are: Bell ends.
Sex Lives of the Potato Men uses MacKenzie Crook and Johnny Vegas as dual leads, both of whom should really know better than to sign up for something this inexplicably bad. Crook has been in The Office, for fuck’s sake, and those pirate films with Keira Knightley.
The film follows four of these potato delivery types as they try and get laid in various ways. MacKenzie, blessed with ugly looks but a huge knob, like the author of this article, gets embroiled in a relationship with a ropey chip shop worker whose husband gets off on listening to them fuck. Oh, and his mother-in-law gets her mum to touch his cock, and then she complains that she can’t bend over to give him a blow job.
Vegas winds up in the queue for a gang-bang with a ropey middle aged Welsh lass, making small talk about Allen keys and the parking. It’s not funny though, don’t worry.
Mark Gatiss from the League of Gentlemen (who also should know better), gets stuck into a relationship with his ex-girlfriend’s dog, and then a woman who picks up dog shit and puts it in a blender.
Dominic Coleman, aka “Him from the adverts”, has the best storyline. You’ll love this. His “thing” is to put jam on ladies’ fannys, and eat it off. At the moment, he’s undergoing a bit of a drought, so he tries to replicate the taste of pussy in a sandwich. His various attempts include fishpaste, smoked mackerel and a squid. Which he then licks out while wanking. He licks out a squid and jam sandwich while masturbating. He gives oral sex to two slices of bread containing a dead fish and fruit preserve, while playing with his penis. No matter how that sentence is phrased, it cannot sound like anything other than the most horrendous thing ever.
The film is a laugh free jog through the unlikely world of potato delivery men having unlikely sex with weird people. To think, this was released in cinemas, and advertised like actual people would want to go and see it. It was on the sides of buses.
To give you an idea of the level of humour, the chippy is called “Fishy Fingers”. Fishy fucking Fingers. And they didn’t bother with anything like characterisation or development or anything: They’re all weird potato delivering perverts.
Now try not to think about Johnny Vegas having a threesome where he has another chap’s feet in his face. And try not to think about MacKenzie Crook being spunked on by a fat man tied to the ceiling.
Joe McLean …. best boy