Fancy dress is a horrible addition to any invitation. Armies of dickheads bowling into town in comedy cross-dressing and vague recreations of famous film characters. Plus sweat inducing gorilla costumes that seem like a shit idea after one bar and one under-arm scratching, shrieking impression. Still, the idea persists that it’s fun to dress up, but we think that everything (except that) can be improved with the addition of a dog. Because anything that we can do, dogs can do better. They can lick their own balls, for God’s sake. So, without further ado, here’s the best anthropomorphistic doggy fancy dress get-ups, and their human equivalents. It’s the best of seven – first to four ...

Of course, you’ve already heard of Potato Men, those fellas that bowl around delivering sacks of potatoes from the back of a van. For years, this noble profession has been woefully underrepresented on the big screen, and finally things have been rectified. A film that shows these hard workers as they truly are: Bell ends. Sex Lives of the Potato Men uses MacKenzie Crook and Johnny Vegas as dual leads, both of whom should really know better than to sign up for something this inexplicably bad. Crook has been in The Office, for fuck’s sake, and those pirate films with Keira Knightley. The film follows four of these potato delivery types as they try and get laid in ...

Legoshire Hot Pots - He's Turned Emo Ivan Mládek - Jožin z bažin Die Clatterschenkenfietermaus - Love Me In The Mouth Kunt and the Gang - Perverts on the internet Tim Minchin - Inflatable You Father Ted - My Lovely Horse Todd Rivers - One Track Lover

Pick Me Up magazine, under the unlikely heading of “Real spooky”, have offered their top three tips on how to avoid purchasing a haunted house. They should be, of course: Grow up and have some fucking sense Grow up and have some fucking sense Grow up and have some fucking sense But no, they genuinely paid someone to sit down and offer hints. Somewhere out there, a middle aged lollipop lady is flicking over them, scanning through and thinking, “ooh, that’s interesting”. It’s not interesting, Doris, you mad old bitch, it’s fucking made up, fictional and has no basis in the real world. I hate you, and I hope your husband is cheating on you. With someone who doesn’t believe in sodding ghosts. 1. First, ...

Two of the pioneering films in the modern “gross-out teen comedy” genre were the charming American Pie and Road Trip. Miss March attempts to combine the two into a losing-your-virginity-while-travelling-across-America movie. And fucks it up. The laughs come thin and slow, with the obligatory disgust scenes including: Trying to force a dog to take a piss into a glass, because a hot girl prefers it to Champagne Stabbing an epileptic in the face with a fork because she’s biting his cock Violent shitting of pants, more than once The plot, if you can call it that (did that sound appropriately Daily Mail? Maybe “the so-called plot” works better), centres around a guy who promises to remain a virgin until he’s married. ...

Hating stag and hen parties is fairly standard practice. Women lined up in Ann-Summers-approved get-up, waving an inflatable cock and finding L-plates inexplicably funny. Or men, having one last night out together before nothing really changes and they can continue having nights out together. I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell is the fictionalised account of Tucker Max’s friend Dan’s allegedly real stag night, a trip to a strip club where you’re allowed to touch the girls. Yeah, the big night out is a chance to pay $20 to feel up a depressed, drug-addled single mum. Between Tucker and his two friends (Dan and his mate, whose name is so inconsequential that we’ll call him Claude), they set out ...

On the Internet, no matter how weird or specific your interests, you can find someone who shares them. It seems that the best way to find these people is to relentlessly bang on about it until someone acknowledges you, like a weirdo on a bus, shouting about Jesus. Step forward, Twitter's own @macskibowl, obsessed with two things: 1) his girlfriend (awww, etc) and 2) his foreskin. See, macskibowl has a foreskin, and doesn't he just want you to know it. When confronted with a total stranger saying: talking about the diff between circumsized and none with my sis. 'i thought when it was hard, the head still popped out!' chels - 'no...no.' He's delighted, and has to share: u like it..I'm uncut too! Seemingly, ...

Lonnie Donegan’s My Old Man’s A Dustman is an olden days attempt at a comedy song, long before bands like Kunt and the Gang did it properly. But frankly, Lonnie Donegan’s old man is a bastard, and a rubbish (ha) dustman, and he should feel lucky not to have been sacked. LOOK AT THE WORDS: Some folks give tips at Christmas, And some of them forget, So when he picks their bins up He spills some on the step. Now one old man got nasty And to the council wrote, Next time my old man went round there He punched him up the throat. Someone didn’t tip him at Christmas, so he threw their rubbish on the floor. When his despicable behaviour is reported to the council, he ...

Van Wilder 2: Rise of the Taj opens with a weird scene in which hilariously non-racistly-named Taj Mahal Badalandabad gets a blow job on a plane (in the biggest toilet in history) from a girl obsessed with chilli sauce. He pours it on his cock, and hilarity ensues. From there, the film manages to get even less funny. From the minor-character-gets-his-own-movie school of sequels, this features Hey, It’s Kumar!, in a University in England. It’s definitely in England because it is populated by: 1) Toff twats 2) Cock-er-nee knees up geezahs 3) A fighty Irish sort The plot, as complicated as it is, revolves around Kumar being stuck in the retard fraternity, which of course definitely exists as a concept in English Universities, and competing ...

In an ongoing attempt to stay on top of the world of current affairs, we’ve been thinking about the Olympics in China recently. Less than two years ago, negotiable human rights and pissed off Tibetan monks were swept under the carpet in favour of a few weeks of running, jumping and throwing. Our favourite events are always the middle-class ones, the only way that Team GB can walk away with any medals. Anyone can run, all you need is a couple of legs and someone with a knife chasing you, and you’ll find that the 100 metres World Record is but a heartbeat away. No, Team GB must participate in horrible events that require an outlay of thousands ...

Interested in seeing the film Boogie Woogie that's out now on DVD / Blu-ray / Betamax? Maybe this IMDB review will persuade you: Boogie Woogie is a refreshing look at a subject which has hereto been dealt with in a clichéd and stilted way. Being involved in the art world myself this is the most accurate rendering of it I have ever seen. Danny Huston is brilliant at the slippery but charming... Drifted off, didn't you? You need Zoo magazine's succinct "will you get an erection" style review: A spoof of the contemporary arts scene in Britain doesn't sound like a great movie night. The makers knew this, so added nudity and Jaime Winston snogging Gemma Atkinson. Tempted now? They gave it three stars.

Yeah, you know, if she doesn't keep her munt (verb. australian slang. to vomit, according to Urban Dictionary) trimmed, then fuck it, just set her on fire. Especially if she's a minger. Danny Dyer, coming straight at you from 1973. Next week: Danny complains about his mother-in-law and the blacks.

The Internet has changed everything. Minor characters from Eastenders that crop up in other TV shows can be identified with a quick search on IMDB. No longer do you have to wonder what two girls eating shit and vomiting on each other would look like. And product reviews are everywhere. Everything from YouTube videos to books are rated and reviewed by the general population of idiots. Brilliantly, this review system also extends as far as prostitutes. Yup, no longer do you have to worry that the blow job you’re paying for is impersonal and she acts revolted as you shoot your seed into her sad, unwilling mouth. Or that the photo of an 18 year ...