It’s 4.30am. I’m writing this because last night, I got bollocked for being tired early and wanting to go to bed, and not stay up all night watching Paris Hilton movies on DVD. This evening, I drank Coke. Lots of Coke. At least three litres of Cherry sodding Coke. And now I’m awake. Guess where my other half is? Asleep, that’s right. Where she’s been for hours.

As I’ve gained a few extra hours of unexpected life, I’d normally be sure to use them to their fullest. Finally getting round to finishing Great Expectations; replacing the lightbulbs in the kitchen that have been sat around blown for weeks; Bothering to watch The Wire. Instead, like everyone else who has any free time, I’m wasting it by dicking around on the Internet.

For reasons that it’s best not to get into, this message from Pick Me Up magazine caught my eye. Compatibility! Numerology!

Well, I’ve been with my girlfriend for a few months now, so there’s no better way to determine whether we’re a good match or not than an online numerology test endorsed by Pick Me Up magazine. I won’t bother considering things like “do we share common interests” or “can we be in each other’s company for more than 24 hours without resorting to murder?” I’ll base my future solely on this test. In fact, if it turns out we’re not compatible, I’ll wake her up in the middle of the night and tell her.

I hope it’s not the end though, updating my Facebook Relationship Status would be pretty humiliating. Plus I quite like her (but don’t tell her that, I don’t want her getting complacent)

So, how do we do it?

Easy. But I don’t use my full name, day to day, I shorten my first name, like everyone with a name that’s longer than one syllable should do. Which version should I use? I’d hate to invalidate the test and cause undoubted trauma to my girlfriend.
Thanks to Paul Sadowski though, who informs us that:

Note: Most authorities agree that the full birth name as recorded on your birth certificate is the name that must be used for all calculations involving name. Nicknames, changed names including marriage name changes do not dilute the importance of the name given to you by your parents.

That’s me sorted – my name returns a score of 68. 6 + 8 is 14, and 1+4 is five. See, Miss Roy, I did pay attention in maths. My girlfriend has one of those poncey accented characters in her name. Do I treat the é the same as an e? Is it the same letter? Will I offend her parents or God or something?

Despite the disclaimer at (http://affinitynumerology.com/numerology-tips/non-english-alphabet.php?name=é&submitter=Assign+Numbers+To+Letters) that accented characters may not work correctly, it assigns the é a score of one. Which gives my girlfriend 51. Five plus one is usually six, so five (my number), plus six (hers) is eleven. One plus one is four, so our combined number is a massive 2. Out of 9. Not looking promising so far, but let’s click on the Love Test results, to find out what the absolutely true science of numerology has in store for us.

As a couple…

Two is the partner number of harmony. You’re a very close couple and spend a great deal of time together. You’re extremely wrapped up in each other and may well have known each other from a young age.

When it comes to socialising, you’re happiest in each other’s company and at parties and get-togethers tend to be glued to each other! You’re a unit – you share your life completely.

That’s nice, but it seems a little bit like cold reading. The mystical numbers say we may have known each other for a while. We haven’t, but the mystical numbers were only guessing, or something. And the revelation that when we’re with other people, we actually like each other the most, that’s pretty shocking. It’s the reason that I’m going out with her and not, say, someone I don’t like. But okay, that seems pretty good.

Weaknesses: While it’s fantastic you both get on so well, you might find that one of you longs for the odd argument and a bit more passion. Being so dependent on each other has its draw-backs and you might find your partner becomes too over-protective and even jealous at times.

Now I filled this out, even though the original message from Pick Me Up definitely said it was about you “and your fella”. I figured that the numbers would be the same no matter which one of us actually filled the thing out. Although it might; I’m definitely better at adding up than her. So when it says “your partner”, does that mean me? i.e. the male half of the couple? Cos that’s worrying, I don’t get jealous, but I might start doing it now, because the numbers have told me to. I’ll finish this tomorrow, after I finish hacking into her e-mail.

I’m back, and there’s one more important section:

Sex positions: For a really sensual experience together try the Woman on top position, but if you really want to get things heated up have a go at some Dirty Dancing!

This is incredible stuff: The numbers figured out two sexual positions for us to try. Now presumably at Pick Me Up, they’ve got some expert numerologist who can read the numbers and convert those into facts that are absolutely true and advice that’s incredibly specific and relevant only to the people with those numbers. So they are capable of turning the number two into a sexual position named after a rubbish 80s chick flick? This is GROUNDBREAKING.

The article is written by Tara Gardner, who doesn’t seem to exist as either a numerologist or a journalist on Google. Although her name is an anagram of Arranged Rat, so she’s probably totally made up. Tara, are you out there? She did write this though -step one is presumably “figure it out for yourself”

Another numerology site had this to say about me, based on my name number:

The positive 1 Soul Urge is Ambitious and determined, a leader seeking opportunities. There is a great deal of honesty and loyalty in this character. If you possess positive 1 Soul Urge qualities, you are very attainment oriented and driven to success. You are a loyal friend and strictly fair in your business dealings.

Clearly, this couldn’t be any less like me if it tried.

The thing I want to find out is how the number two translates to “your partner becomes jealous”. There must be *something*, some sort of translation device. Because there’s no way Pick Me Up would get a work experience kid to make up any old shit and farm it out in a fake name, is there?

This wacky site explains Numerology in exactly the same way as a sixth former who hasn’t done their homework might try and bullshit a teacher by trying to say enough words that one of them might sound good enough for a positive response.

I don’t really know how to wrap this up, because Numerology is obviously bollocks and Pick Me Up don’t care and blah blah blah. So here’s a picture of Rachel Stevens looking lovely.