Boomtown Rat and charity bothering Sir Lord Bob Geldof sang “I don’t like Mondays”, which is a sentiment that we can all understand. However, perennial cockgobbler Bono also sang “Sunday, Bloody Sunday”. All in all, tossheaded singers aren’t keen on the end of this part of the week, which is a sentiment we can fully understand. Even if they don’t have to get up and go to work at 8am in the cold. Sunday evening is depressing. The shops are closed, at least, all the good ones are, you can still pop to a petrol station to pay £2.65 for a two litre bottle of Coke, as I did the other day. There’s nowhere to go, ...

It’s 4.30am. I’m writing this because last night, I got bollocked for being tired early and wanting to go to bed, and not stay up all night watching Paris Hilton movies on DVD. This evening, I drank Coke. Lots of Coke. At least three litres of Cherry sodding Coke. And now I’m awake. Guess where my other half is? Asleep, that’s right. Where she’s been for hours. As I’ve gained a few extra hours of unexpected life, I’d normally be sure to use them to their fullest. Finally getting round to finishing Great Expectations; replacing the lightbulbs in the kitchen that have been sat around blown for weeks; Bothering to watch The Wire. Instead, like everyone else who has any free ...

To differentiate between all the great double acts, one needs to be tall and thin, the other short and fat: The Blues Brothers; The Krankees; Me and my ex-girlfriend. The prototype classic though, are the Italian plumbers, Luigi and Mario, who, for whatever reason, don't bother doing the things that most plumbers do - shoddily welding pipes, smashing bathtubs against the wall as they carry them upstairs and check the laundry basket for discarded underwear. No, they jump on Koopas heads, take magic mushrooms and fanny about with Yoshis. But the most important question about a pair of ficticious characters is: What is their full name? The name "Mario Brothers" implies that they share the surname of Mario. This would ...

Online gaming, eh, allegedly the future. Playing games against other people without them even being in the same room or even country as you. Brilliant. No more awkwardness as your mate outstays their welcome in your flat, or accidentally takes the Player 1 control pad so you have to talk them through everything. Just fire up the game and it'll find someone from the Internet to play against. The problem is... almost everyone on the Internet is, at best, a massive pain in the arse. My game of choice is FIFA on the Xbox. Through hours of wasting my life waving my thumbs at it, I'm quite good. Not brilliant, but can play without embarrassing myself. ...