There are loads of reasons to be proud of being British. An army of lads taking over an Eastern European capital on a stag do; lazy racism perpetuated through newspapers; the BNP. The one thing that really does make us bloody brilliant is music. Popstars eh, aren’t they just wonderful? With all their singing and dancing and sitting on tour-coaches and tolerating interviews with Jonathan Ross. Plus the other stuff they, um, probably do. The ultra rich need a night of free alcohol and to celebrate each other’s wonderfulness, before the inevitable decline towards cruise ships and the Line Up round on Buzzcocks. And so, the Brits. The painful pseudo-live event that reminds everyone involved just how fleeting fame is. JLS will ...

Hey! You! Do you have a girlfriend or a boyfriend or a husband or a wife or an "it's complicated" on Facebook? Of course you do, you stud, you're gorgeous. Especially you. But for some people, those with less fortunate faces, finding the right man, woman or monkey to make hideous noises and smells with isn't always so easy. If you're struggling, then the best thing to do is start an incredibly bitter blog about how precisely none of it is your fault and EVERY SINGLE GUY IN THE WORLD IS AN IDIOT OR FAILS TO MEET YOUR EXACTING STANDARDS. "The Book Of Love Was Written By A Sadist" is what you need, where an undateable, unlikeable twat covers her ...

Getting angry at Fearne Cotton is a bit like getting angry at a piece of ham or a button. For the most part, she's entirely inconsequential, dithering her way through the day. However, she's also the speaking equivalent of an excitable, impressionable child that has been raised with a vocabulary of two words: Brilliant and Genius. Fearne lives in a happy, shiny world where nothing is bad, and war and fighting don't exist, because her little brain cannot comprehend the world being any bigger than the hundred yards around her. She's perpetually surprised, like a goldfish that can't understand how much room she has to move around in. Everything is brilliant. Jamie Cullum? Brilliant! Doctor Who? Brilliant! Machiavelli's ...