50 Things I Can’t Do by shoutingatco.ws

Posted On Wednesday, 23 Dec 2009 By shoutingatco.ws in Blog

50 things I can’t do.

There aren’t 50.

1) Growing up

Poo in a public toilet
Grow a proper grown-up beard
Resist drawing cocks on blank paper. Big spunking cocks with all balls and pubes
Go to bed at a sensible time, even if I have to get up early
Work the washing machine (why does it have more than one setting, really?)
Understand the inner workings of a car
Leave spots alone
Dress up smartly
Wake up on the first alarm and get up
Save money

2) Other people

3) Games & Entertainment

Give a computer game character a sensible name (“Hello, my name is Spunky”)
Play board games fairly
Play computer games online
Simplify tactics on Rock-Paper-Scissors
Dance without looking like I’m mocking people with cerebral palsy
Sing in tune
Maintain any sense of rhythm
Listen to Metallica’s “Sad But True” without air-drumming along to the intro, like a twat
Down a pint
Sit still for the entire duration of a film

4) Health and safety

Enjoy the meat in sausage rolls now I’ve started thinking about what it actually is
Eat crisps quietly
Drink one, and only one, beer
Last a whole year without some sort of disorder that causes excess snot
Know when to stop texting / e-mailling / instant messaging after drinking alcohol
Drive within the speed limit
Cook a complicated meal
Play football (1 x destroyed ankle, 1 x ball-saved-with-face)

5) Day to day

Take recycling seriously
Go into a supermarket and buy everything on my list. And nothing else.
Take a menu-selection risk when ordering a takeaway
Walk past a stone and not kick it
Speak foreign, despite 10+ years of learning, and somehow a qualification in German.
Moderately swear
Make small talk with a stranger

6) The Rest

8 times table quickly
Be photographed and look even a bit normal. Oh good, I’m blinking again.
Show a suitable amount of decorum through the National Anthem, without looking like I’m taking the piss
Watch an entire episode of Question Time in one sitting
Really genuinely understand the history and politics of places like Israel
Get excited by film hype
Enjoy porn, um, afterwards
Talk on the phone without doing anything else
Write legibly, after years of computer based doing everything

Merry Christmas, probably.

Words by shoutingatco.ws , filed under Blog

Comments

Lorna Forde says:

December 23, 2009 at 12:36 pm

i drew a penis on a business studies exam once. i got sent to the guidance counsellor. apparently it wasnt an appropriate response to “What is an ombudsman”. i still dont know. you’d think they would have actually told me rather than just telling me i had something wrong with my brain. and that is how i ended up in art college and then became an accountant.
Phil H says:

December 23, 2009 at 2:36 pm

Merry Christmas, NotSteve.

I can’t stop biting my nails. I also can’t go onto my computer with the intention of doing work, and resist checking my emails and every blog I read.