50 things I can't do. There aren't 50. 1) Growing up Poo in a public toilet Grow a proper grown-up beard Resist drawing cocks on blank paper. Big spunking cocks with all balls and pubes Go to bed at a sensible time, even if I have to get up early Work the washing machine (why does it have more than one setting, really?) Understand the inner workings of a car Leave spots alone Dress up smartly Wake up on the first alarm and get up Save money 2) Other people Chat up women Subtly check out cleavage Leave a coherent voicemail message Enjoy being in a crowd Feel comfortable haggling in a shop Pee at a urinal next to someone really tall 3) Games & Entertainment Give a computer game character a sensible name ("Hello, my name is Spunky") Play board games ...

If 90s dance act "Haddaway" had really thought about their song "What is Love?" then they'd realise that it's a fleeting emotion and stuff. What they should really have been bothered about is the far more pressing question: "What is Soup?" Specifically, what is the act of consuming soup called? Do you eat it, or drink it? There's strong arguments for both sides, which have been debated at great lengths by myself and unwilling friends. On the one hand, you can consume soup through a straw, therefore it is a drink. But, it could be argued, given a large enough straw and powerful enough suction device, even steak could be consumed through a straw. Probably. And ...