Strictly Cha Cha Cha by shoutingatco.ws

In an announcement that will shock anyone who has seen my inept attempts at lovemaking, I must confess: I cannot dance. When I’m on the dancefloor, I look like someone who has been dragged out of their wheelchair and told to make their way home. It’s embarrassingly un-coordinated and hilariously broken. Body parts move without any regard for each other, and inevitably into the face of an unsuspecting bydancer.

Naturally, this makes me suspicious of anyone who can dance. What wizadry causes them to be able to move like that? And those serious expressions on their faces, like they’re determined not to fart. Strictly Come Dancing is a ridiculous name saved only by the thought of pronouncing it a bit differently, as though it’s about some can-canning semen. Oh, it is. Phil Tufnell is on.

Here, for your delectation, are a Bond Villain’s top tips on how to dance the Cha Cha (a Scouse way of saying “Chat, chat”). They’re rubbish though, the most important tip is not being a shit dancer.

Here’s three more tips:

Bring back Noel’s House Party
Shoot Tess Daly in the face
Make Sonia from Eastenders dress up in a tux, so she completes her transformation into a penguin.

The BBC have asked me to link here: www.bbc.co.uk/strictlycomedancing, but if you click it, I want you to have a long hard look at yourself in the mirror. You fucking idiot.

Comments

1. magnetite says:

   September 30, 2009 at 8:13 pm

   More…more…more…and various other exhortations for you to become more prolific – as long as it isn’t to the detriment of your physical or emotional well-being – an overcomplicated and floridly verbose wish, I know; but wit can be a curse; and Les Dawson, Swift, George Carlin and Bill Hicks wouldn’t argue with that.

   (Mainly because they’re all dead.)

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