Footballers, eh. They can't do anything without the tabloids rushing to write as many words as possible and create the worst puns. Wayne Rooney is particularly lucky, as "Roo" rhymes with "You", and "Roo Beauty" works in just about any situation. Like if you've had sex with an aged prostitute. Other sports only exist and enter the public's notice once a year - despite the average tennis player training for 19 hours a day, Wimbledon is the only tournament that matters. An ex-pro could have won tournaments all around the world, but journalists are just doing a search through their Wikipedia page to find out if they won Wimbledon. Horse racing too. Come the Grand ...

“Who is your daddy, and what does he do?” asked Arnold Schwarznegger in improbable 90s action film Kindergarten Cop. If the bumstains on Young, Dumb and Living off Mum were to answer, they’d say “daddy is the best, he does what I tell him”, and then run off to cry because their new Porsche is the wrong shade of blue. YDALOM is a reality show following eight spoiled, lazy buggers as they’re forced out of the comfort zone of being pampered by mummy, and into a house together. Like Big Brother, except with feckless young idiots. Each week, they perform a task, and at the end, one of them is evicted. Nothing at all like Big Brother. As you might have gathered from ...

It's August, and with the first signs of darkness getting earlier, along comes the first mentions of the C word. Not 'cunt', 'cancer' or 'Clarkson', but the other pain in the arse: Christmas. Even though we're already living in the future, those utter bastards in marketing departments across the country are desperate for you to be prepared for next Christmas. Starting on Boxing Day. The local pub has a banner outside - BOOK NOW FOR CHRISTMAS DINNER - No! It's August, it's summer holiday time. Can start thinking about Christmas on December 1st, and celebrate it for one day. One frigging day. Is it worth the months of build up? Really? Not being able to go into ...

Prince Charles may be a jug eared old cunt, but he hasn't always got the best time of it. While he inexplicably traded in his hot wife for Rod Hull, it's his day job that should really earn your sympathy. His job is, basically, waiting for his mum to die. Just sitting around being fawned over by royal arselickers like Jenny Bond, hoping for the news that his mother has finally given up being alive. He'll have to pretend to be disappointed, while at the same time getting his pose ready for the photo to put on the coins. Sitting while asculptor hacks away at a 50p - get the big coins done first - and then getting tetchy ...

Despite the rubbish pun in the name, Freecycling is brilliant. Since we've all got crap in our house, things we've bought and looking back must have been absolutely high to have even considered purchasing. In a cupboard somewhere, I have a Lego robot that I purchased as a fully grown adult, because you can hook it up to a computer and make it do things. It cost nearly £200 and I've used it all of twice. Because I'm an easily led consumerist idiot. Someone invented the idea of the freecycle, where you just give away the junk that you've acquired and is too good to just launch in the bin. The quality is variable, as ...

Here are some stories of those dirty short-term friendships that happen to the young, foolish and plastered. All of them came via Twitter people. Feel free to speculate. "Take off your pants - oh, you have." In a corridor with a man so hairy it was like he was wearing a jumper. Made me play Frisbee the next morning. He claimed never to have met me when we ran into each other at a wedding three years later. Two's company, three's... fun, but awkward the next morning My 26th bday, I had too many cocktails/alcopops. My mate left me in the club with a local football player. I thought he was a lot older than he was... I ended up ...

Facebook has added this whole new level of awkwardness in friendships and relationships. Kids everywhere are jumping out of windows over the fear of whether to set their relationship status as "single" or "it's complicated". The trouble with Facebook is that everything is so up-front: You're in a relationship, or you're not. You're tagged in a photo. You drunkenly updated your status to say that you fucking hate all the fuckers you were out with, and now they can all see it. Worst of all is the Friend Request. Someone wants to be your friend. You don't have to ask to be friends with someone in real life, you just sort of hang around each other ...