Hayfever is just about the most unsympathetic illness going. The symptoms are set up entirely to make things as irritating and annoying as possible, and the causes are just as bad. We’re in the middle of the 8 days of proper, actual summer we get a year, and because the hayfever fairy waved her big magic wand of intolerance over me, I get to sit inside with the windows closed so I don’t cry.
That it’s all caused by flowers makes it all the more infuriating. Why can’t it be an allergy to something that’s never around, like an elephant or a drunk father who says he’ll pay child support but never does. No, it has to be cute, happy flowers that turn you into a snivelling nitwit.
And the constant sniffing is what grinds you down. You know when someone near you does something small but annoying over and over again until you’re ready to scream in their face? And the parole officer is saying “but why did you beat him?” and you reply “BECAUSE, DAMMIT, HE HAS A STUPID RINGTONE THAT’S FAR TOO LOUD”, in a way that tries to make it sound as reasonable as possible. With sniffing, it’s you. You’re That Person. That annoying, repetitive noised person. Which is a bit embarrassing really.
Of course, there’s all manner of shit you can buy to allegedly make it better. From the hilariously made-up homeopathic stuff to actual prescriptions from a real doctor, the key thing is that none of them work. I’ve calculated that since first getting hayfever when I was born, I’ve spent about a million pounds on tablets, sprays, eye-drops, and assorted other remedies. I might as well try leeches, cos absolutely none of them work.
“Don’t rub your eyes, you’ll make it worse.” If I had a packet of crisps for every time I heard that, I’d never have to buy crisps again. If that was the case, then why does rubbing them feel so bloody good? I’ll tell you: because it’s the right thing to do. And in this summer of misery, I’ll take any small pleasure I can get.
Also this week, I went to the doctors for a check-up, without a urine sample. Conscious of this, I saved up a wee all afternoon for them and was bursting by the time I got there. Inevitably, the fire alarm went off and I had to sit in the car-park for twenty minutes, getting stomach cramps while they made sure nobody was burning to death.
