Before you start reading, this really is a post about my inability to fit windscreen wipers. My life really is that empty. If you were hoping for a story about tits, fire and Batman, then I'm sorry. Cars mystify me. I can't even tell you in basic terms what happens under the bonnet when I turn on the ignition. Presumably something ignites. Petrol. Hmm. I'd like to contrast this with my frustration at people who can't do basic things on a computer and then giggle about it. I'm a hypocrite. Rather that than a mechanic. I'm so rubbish with it, when my car last had its MOT, the guy was shocked I hadn't ...

Advertising on the Internet is really bloody difficult to get right. This is why you've got a billion emails in your spam box with silly lies to make you open them - "Wanna look fantastic in that bikini? Be fit with us" right next to "Keep your manhood in good shape for you and for her as well!" Clearly going for the lucrative ladyboy market. So, if you want to get noticed, it's important to get your advert looking as exciting and alluring as possible, especially if you're advertising something as shit as a personality test. Here's a hint: I'm grumpy, tired and not that interested. Ever noticed how dating, flirting and general "get cheap kicks from a ...

Aside from the shit idea that was Ears Day, blogging has been a bit light lately.  Which means you (yes YOU) have been spared my trite observations, rubbish jokes and creative spelling.  There's only one reason for this.  And it's a video game:  Fallout 3. When it comes to videogames, I end up buying them, playing loads and loads for a day or two, getting stuck and then putting it back on the shelf.  Then a bit down the line, usually just after payday, I'll feel the need for something new and end up trading the old game in for pennies and replacing it with the hot new game.  And so the cycle continues. Fallout almost, er, fell into this, but didn't ...

Much like a hooker will cover up her despair and sadness with a pair of fancy knickers, ears can be spruced up in a number of ways. Here's your guide to things what you can do to your ears what can make them look all better, yo. Plastic ears are much like plastic tits (in that they look almost as convincing), and you can put them back in a box, cupboard or bin when you're finished. Make you look hilariously like something, but who knows what? "Dad! Dad! Why have you got hair growing out of your ears?" Because you're old, old man. You're one step away from grunting when you stand up and wearing shirts when you ...

Arse

Missy Elliott once said I mean, when it's time to rhyme rhyme, I can get down for mine. when I Googled just then for quotes about rhymes, and it's profoundly nonsensical enough to open this article about things that rhyme! With ear! Zaire is full of people who have ears! Jason McAteer has ears! Deer has ears! Beer doesn't have ears. Fuck's sake beer, you're rubbish.

We've (almost) all got ears, but here's some people who are famous for their ears. Famous in the sense that it's the bit before their name in the tabloids. You know the bit. "Roly-poly funnyman Ricky Gervais", "mustachioed Jew botherer Adolf Hitler" or "potato faced granny shagger Wayne Rooney". Here's people with ears.

Captain Spock, yesterday

Captain Spock, who famously captained the Death Star in Star Wars, is known for having ears that point upwards, like little ear erections. They're made of vulcanised rubber and give him the power to turn into Sylar from Heroes in mediocre movie sequels. Prince Charles looks miserable, and with good reason. Not content with swapping 80s honey Princess Diana ...

For those of you who have never heard of ears, Wikipedia defines them as: The ear is the organ that detects sound. The vertebrate ear shows a common biology from fish to humans, with variations in structure according to order and species. It not only acts as a receiver for sound, but plays a major role in the sense of balance and body position. The ear is part of the auditory system. Where would you be without ears? Probably exactly where you are now, but with slightly less awareness of how loud computers can be. Wonderful bloody things, ears are, and if you didn't have them, then you'd probably grow your other senses to compensate, able to smell farts from ...

Are you still complaining? Really? You've really got something wrong with you? Oh, bloody hell, go on then. Let's hear it. I went to have my tarot cards read the other day, and the reader told me my relationship was due to go through a troubled time, which it might not recover from. I'm happily married but I'm scared something is going to go wrong soon. I wish I'd never had it done now as I can't relax. Robyn: Now this is serious. Did the tarot reader say that you may travel over water in the future and that you might actually be quite psychic yourself? I’m afraid to break it to you that someone has CURSED ...

Teletext, the prototype of the Internet beamed directly into your telly box, is to be killed off. And for something that was just blocky text and low-resolution images, people have an awful lot of fondness for it. There were subtitles on page 888 for people who couldn't be bothered to listen, sometimes pre-recorded in a studio, but occasionally broadcasting the live version, with hilarious words-that-sound-a-bit-like-the-one-being-said, so children coming out as 'chew drum'. It's a shame nobody commandeered it for use as a primitive director's commentary over Coronation Street. And before the days of Sky Sports News, Saturday afternoons could be spent on the sports pages waiting for the screen to roll around to "page 1 of 8" and to your ...

Embarassing Teenage Bodies Channel 4 medical gross-a-rama, featuring kids with all manner of manky growths, holes, spots and scabs. Presented by Dr. Christian Jessen, a behemoth who looks like he'd bottle you in a bar just to demonstrate lacerations. As a teenager, having a single medical trauma (and by trauma, I don't mean losing an arm, I mean having a single visible pimply spot) would be cause enough to lock yourself in a room until everything calmed down. Perhaps not getting a camera crew round to have a look. As in the case of one lass, who has a hormone problem which causes her to have extra hair. And has her mum help her out with a razor. ...

Do you have problems? Of course you do. But what should you do about them? The obvious advice is to ignore them and keep drinking until you can't remember your name, let alone whatever was making you miserable. Some people genuinely believe that old saying about a problem shared being a problem halved, when actually a problem shared is a boring story. We've picked out some lucky readers to have their problems fixed by the cream of agony auntery. By which we mean some people with Twitter accounts and a bit of spare time. My partner used to get violent with me, and now he's in jail for beating up an ex. But he has written ...

To the despair of Google Image users everywhere, there are several Jordans in the world: The basketball player, the Asian country and the brand of Nike Airs to name just three. However, potential masturbators will be most familiar with the variable-titted cock-holster better known as Katie Price. As promised on Twitter, Katie has been keeping a dignified silence about her divorce with Aussie warbler Peter Andre, breaking it only briefly to swear about him. Which is about as dignified as you can get without talking to Piers Morgan on TV and revealing all – thankfully not literally: one slimy twat is more than enough. Katie and Peter met on jungle-based bug-pestering ITV reality show I’m A Celebrity and spent the following years documenting ...

Someone actually thought these things, and thought they were interesting enough to spend several precious seconds of his life discussing them with other people. Including me. The names are made up, but I might as well tell you that they're real, because what difference does it make? You might notice that I've hung onto this anecdote for two months before posting it, because I'm so overawed by it. Hey! Jill has made up a new month! It's called "Mayl". Seriously, it says here "Mayl". Not May, no, Mayl. But what do you mean? How can this wonderous event have occurred? How can someone just make up a new month? What will this mean for my ...

Once you get past the age of two, there are few occasions where it's difficult to talk. In a brain-meltingly loud nightclub, after undergoing throat surgery or being mauled by a Rottweiler are three obvious times, in increasing order of preference. Standing in front of people and talking to them is easy but unimpressive. It's more interesting if they can tell jokes or be otherwise witty, but for everyone else, it's a challenge to be interesting. Imagine someone incredibly dull standing up and trying to entertain you. And failing. As with every rubbish talent, talking needs to be spiced up a bit. Like how juggling is just throwing and catching, but spicing it up by ...

In this age of getting mediocre celebrities to try their hand at something new for the telly, it’s an amazing coup for BBC Three to sign Britney Spears up for a one off documentary where she performs open heart surgery – with crazy consequences! As entertaining as that would be, it would require several things that this program doesn’t have: A budget, willing patients and, crucially, Britney Spears. This is a documentary about her fans, not just those that have an album or two, but the absolutely hardcore mentalist ones, the ones that own red catsuits and you’d cross the road to avoid. Especially if you were Britney Spears. Britney Spears Saved My Life focuses on a handful of these nutcase fans, almost ...

Here's a bold prediction: Something is going to happen. Want more specific? How about: You will be hit by a car. That seems mildly threatening, so let's go a bit nicer: You will find money in an old coat pocket. Let's cover a few more eventualities, and dress it up in a bit of intrigue: Fortune appears unexpectedly from your past. Now to cope with the inconvenient part, which is that it might not actually happen. Printing it in something popular like a newspaper or a magazine will mean it's going to be lining the cages of pets up and down the country, but before that, may well be read by up to a ...

Hayfever is just about the most unsympathetic illness going. The symptoms are set up entirely to make things as irritating and annoying as possible, and the causes are just as bad. We're in the middle of the 8 days of proper, actual summer we get a year, and because the hayfever fairy waved her big magic wand of intolerance over me, I get to sit inside with the windows closed so I don't cry. That it's all caused by flowers makes it all the more infuriating. Why can't it be an allergy to something that's never around, like an elephant or a drunk father who says he'll pay child support but never does. No, it has to be cute, ...