According to lie-factory Wikipedia, Gok Wan’s name means Noisy Big City, but it would be far more appropriate if he were called Nosy Big Twat.

From the Trinny and Susannah school of tit-prodding and granny-groping, Gok is desperate for you to dress properly. So take off that stained T-shirt, wipe the crumbs off your trousers and get ready to look beautiful.

Come on, you slob. You disgust me. This is Gok’s Fashion Fix.

Each week, Gok berates someone new for wearing clothes that he disagrees with. This week is a sports therapist, who owns a lot of shorts. Five whole pairs, the selfish bitch. He surprises her by waiting until she gets to work and running full pelt towards her, bellowing “SAAAAAAAMMMMM” like a deranged Vietnam veteran.

At some point on her journey to work, he’s managed to break into her house, steal all the clothes (including those in the wash) and hang them up across a football pitch, in a manner that’s not at all creepy. Any that she doesn’t really REALLY like, get thrown on the floor. Next up! A wardrobe identity. Whatever that is.

BUT FIRST! An American woman shows off a chainmail dress that costs £1,200 and will never, ever be worn by anyone in the real world. Ever. She then gushes about a pink dress in a way that sounds almost sarcastic. Like someone claiming a chipmunk can cure cancer. The colour! The style! The shape! It’s just a dress! Gok is off picking dresses too, and there’ll be a dress-off on the catwalk. LATER!

Back to sporty girl Sam, now in trouble for not liking dresses. Even though one of them is so “this season”, whatever that means. She has to work with her hips to balance out her shoulders, which is a piece of advice so relevant to everyone that it should be taught in schools and tattooed on our souls. Every thing that comes out of Gok’s mouth sounds like he’s just making it up to see what bollocks he can get away with. By the end of the series, he’ll be advising women to widen their legs to lengthen their necks. Just you wait and see.

Out on the street, a 20-stone woman finds it difficult to get a skirt that fits and looks nice. Shocking. The skirt Gok lends her, while resisting any jokes about going to Milletts, gives her a tremendous gunt and makes her look a bit silly. Pro, Gokky boy. She then goes ice skating, which isn’t kind to anyone.

Lucky Sam has had a whole new wardrobe bought for her, and she dresses in clothes that are nice, but obviously pretty expensive. Gok makes a big show of playing dress-up with her, and earns bonus points for a cheeky tit-grope as he straightens the dress. Unfortunately, he still thinks that catwalk fashion works in the real world, and gives her a Mr. T style necklace, ridiculous pantaloons and says things like “funky not chunky” in a not ironic way.

AND NOW! THE BIT THAT NOBODY HAS BEEN WAITING FOR! The catwalk argument thing. Mad American lady thinks that a £675 dress is good value over ten years, even though the whole point of the opening bit was Gok trying to get someone to reluctantly throw away old clothes. Which is it, GOK? If that is your real name. Oh, Gok is pro-cheap clothes and is going to prove that the expensive ones aren’t worth it. Of course they’re not. But his idea of cheap is £500. We’re not all TV presenters, Gok, some of us are struggling writers. That, er, don’t wear dresses anyway.

The outfits are absolutely ridiculous too, a combination of Ostrich-chic, a giant red flower in the hair that looks like a shotgun wound and a bowler hat. A bowler sodding hat. On a woman. Who isn’t a banker. From the 1930s.

Just to piss on Gok’s dreams, the expensive clothes win, just like him throwing loads of money at SAAAAAMMMMM made her look better. So there you go, tonight’s staggering conclusion is that to look better, spend money on clothes.