Pigs *might* Fly by shoutingatco.ws

Remember that time SARS killed loads of people far away, and was definitely going to come over here and turn London into the start of 28 Days Later (the bit with the deserted streets, not the zombie apocalypse afterwards.)

The papers couldn’t get enough of it. SARS was going to take over the world and turn us all into coughing, sneezing death machines. It became vitally important to wear one of those masks like Michael Jackson and not go anywhere near anyone, ever. Oh, er, only in those countries that had been affected, which are thousands of miles away and about as dangerous to you here as a fart in space. But don’t let that stop you worrying. Or buying our newspaper.

“Air travel” they cried, in an attempt to take RyanAir out of business, but also as a warning that if you go to a country with an infectious disease, then you might catch it. Also that if you’re leaving a country with an infectious disease, you might take it with you. Gripping stuff, and of vital importance if you’re both (A) travelling to or from China, and (B) an idiot.

And for all the hype and build up, you know how many people definitely got SARS in England? That’s not deaths, falling down or going blind, that’s just definitely catching it. None. Nobody. All the fuss and panic, and nobody even got a sniff of it.

Then along came Bird Flu. This was immediately more terrifying for anyone who’s seen the film The Birds, because they have beaks, can fly and there’s loads of the atomic shit machines. There must be something in it this time! They could wipe us out in minutes if they wanted. After all the talk over SARS, there’s no way that we’d be led into crazy hysteria over absolutely nothing yet again, would we?

Er, yes.

A couple of finches, some swans (sorry The Queen) and some turkeys (sorry Bernard Matthews) all flew their last, but in terms of real, actual people. Nothing. Not even a worrying sneeze.

And so onto Swine Flu, which will definitely be different this time, because the Government are giving out 32 million masks. One for every other person in the country. You have to pair off and fight out to see which one of you gets to smugly stand by breathing through a plasterer’s mask, while your friend slowly suffocates to death on the floor. Darwinism at its finest.

Except, of course, it won’t happen. Some pigs will probably be shot and sales of smoky bacon crisps will plummet. And we’ll all forget about it, until the real terror comes.

Ant flu.

Comments

1. superlative says:

   April 30, 2009 at 7:37 am

   I’m pairing off with my Nan. She’s just had her hip done and she’s a bit Parkinsons, I reckon I stand a fair chance.

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